Saturday, 19 July 2014

Some Call Me Crazy...

There are a lot of things in my life that make me very happy, there always has been. My family (a mixed bunch, but an absolute godsend), my friends (some come & stay, some come and go... all are dear to me), love (puppy love & the real kind... it all counts), my homes (there have been a few of late), beautiful music, good food, dancing, baking, cooking, gardening, craft making... the list could go on and on. I love so much about my life, but I had not been happy with it as a whole for a while; and it took me a long time to work out why. All of these things have one common denominator... they are part of MY life and the part of it that I have not been so keen on is, well... me. 

Lots of people struggle with self loathing, it is a debilitating problem to be battling. Not liking oneself is a lot like fighting an invisible person; so nobody, including you, can see who you are waring with... or why. This dislike for oneself often manifests itself as bitterness, excuses, violance, finger pointing, cruel acts, outlandish behaviour and lies. I, for one, am guilty of being/doing most of the aforementioned, but my biggest manifestation of self loathing comes in the evil form of fear. 

I am 25 years old (young to some, ancient to my mind) and I have spent a quarter of a century convincing myself that I 'can't do' certain things, purely because I am afraid. I am not a shy person, I am not scared of public speaking, I LOVE to talk and meet new people; so I think on the outside I probably come across a pretty confident chap-ess. The inside is a completely different kettle of fish though. Like most, I am afraid of the unknown, I am afraid of rejection, I am afraid of failure and after all of the standard stuff I ended up being afraid of being afraid. 

I definitely don't think I am alone in these feelings, this problem is not specific to just me. I understand that it is a matter that is purely in my mind & that to some people, in the grand scheme of things, it might not sound that bad. I definitely feel that it isn't something people openly talk about though... 

Recently, I have started making decisions and taking steps which have allowed me to make massive changes to the way I think & live. My 'mental health issues' have caused me to behave in a way that has lost me a lot in life, but they have also educated me in ways that I did not believe possible. I am so far from where I need to be, but I am definitely happy.

I now find myself at a point where I, once again, have the urge to write, but not about make-up or recipes. I hope that I don't dampen anyone's spirits with this post, or any that I may write in the near future, but I am hoping that sharing my experiences may help someone else who isn't feeling 100%.

Fran x